I should have known it, but yesterday was one of my less optimistic days. I went to the NICU alone, as the older kids were each having a bad day. When I got there, there was some steril procedure going on for one of Quinn's neighbors, so I spent the time talking with a nurse practitioner. She went over the results from the afternoon's imaging. The echocardiogram was normal, so the PDA is closed. They also did a head ultrasound looking for evidence of oxygen starvation and that was also normal. She said it looks like there might be some scar tissue in his lungs, which is to be expected with the amount of pressure needed to keep them inflated, as well as the level of oxygen, because oxygen can actually be damaging in high concentrations. Supposedly this scar tissue will go away, which makes me wonder why it's considered scar tissue. She wasn't encouraged the he has deteriorated with regard to his breathing support. He was 8 or 9 days old before he needed any oxygen at all, and then it was only around 25% (atmospheric oxygen is 21%). Now he hasn't been below 38% in more than a week. And he's been having more apnea. She wasn't all that concerned about that however. She said it's not unusual with the increasing feeds that he's getting. Increasing feeds triggers reflux, which can trigger apnea, even in a full-term baby. And he has been steadily ramping up his feeds. He's up to 10 ml per feed now, and gaining quite a bit, although she said he was gaining too much. *bangs head against wall* Can he do anything right? She said "he'll just be unique", and I said "Just like everyone else." Because really, how easy is it to compare one preemie to the next? They are all born at different gestational ages, and the reasons they are born so early vary quite a bit and impact what problems they'll have. She conceded the point. Score one for me.

I went in to see Quinn after this, feeling totally let down. The nurse said everyone and their brother had been in to mess with him that day with all the imagin tests, and he was tired. I didn't want to traumatize him anymore, so I just sat with him, wondering what we were doing to him. He had an apnea episode just as I was leaving. It scared me, but the nurse didn't seem too fazed by it. I watched as his heart rate dropped below 100, and his oxygen saturation dipped into the 50's and said come on, breathe. He recovered fine, but it made my already dismal mood that much more vivid. All the way home, I wondered if we were doing the right thing tormenting him like this. This won't be a popular viewpoint, and I've hesitated to put it out there, but this is my journal, a record of my thoughts, and this one has been on my mind several times in the last month. I wonder at what point death is a welcome option. I hate watching babies suffer, and for some poor kids, all they know of this earth life is the fear and chaos of the NICU, and it is not a happy life in there. Such were my thoughts for most of the day yesterday.

Today, by contrast, was much more encouraging. When we got there, a doctor came to talk to us, and I felt tons better after that. He said he wasn't overly concerned about the oxygen level, because Quinn doesn't put a lot of effort into breathing. As we spoke, we watched Quinn sleeping peacefully, and yes it was true, he didn't struggle for breath at all. The doctor said if he were huffing and puffing, then he would be more concerned, but he's not, and he's also growing and gaining weight, which a baby putting all its energy into breathing wouldn't be doing. He also said they did a blood test to check renal function and it was normal. So once again, I can say his main problem is he's too small, and he is rapidly outgrowing the problem. He is just a few grams below 3 pounds now. It hardly seems possible, but he is packing on the ounces. He looks more filled out, without so much loose skin, and he's looking more like a regular newborn everyday. He also feels more substantial when I hold him. I got to kangaroo him for about 45 minutes right after he ate. Someday I'll be able to hold him all day if I want. I need to invest in a better sling than the ones I have. One doesn't fit me and the other is a wrap and is hot in the summer. Let the shopping begin.

My gratitude list today
1. I'm grateful for good news, of any kind.
2. I'm grateful I could spend so much time with Quinn today.
3. I'm grateful for Kurt. We'll have our 6th wedding anniversary tomorrow.
4. I'm grateful for my continued improvement. I may heal yet.
5. I'm grateful for all my children.