Today is Dorian's birthday. He is four years old. We thought that maybe he and Quinn would share a birthday, or at least have them very close, since my due date is next Monday. Well, we all know how that one went. But I had a busier day than usual trying to make it a good birthday. In between feeds at the hospital, I ran home and made a cake, and then frosted it when I came home the second time, while Kurt wrapped the presents I'd bought. Then we went out to have chicken nuggets, Dorian's favorite, for dinner, while my bread was rising. Throw in a load of laundry and pumping every three hours, and I think I'm going to bed early tonight. But Dorian seemed to enjoy everything we did. We'll have more celebrations this weekend when his cousins come to visit.

All the running around may have contributed to the continued problem of Quinn not nursing well. I hate to speculate what the source is, but we have not had a good time with nursing since Sunday night when I thought we were well on our way to a good breastfeeding relationship. I could not wake him up for anything. And even when I did, he wasn't all that interested in nursing. And the super frustrating thing is I get there and the nurses say "Oh, you should have seen it! He was awake and looking at his mobile, and looking around. He was so cute!" And I'm thinking: great, I'm glad he can be awake and all, but why do I need to rouse him out of a deep sleep in order to feed him? Why not feed him when he is awake of his own accord?

I was also told by one nurse today that it would be nice if Quinn could get some fresh breastmilk now and then. The milk I bring is frozen solid, because I have a week's worth in the freezer, and I bring the oldest. She said she understood that, but Quinn would benefit from getting milk that's never been frozen. Pardon me while I bang my head against the wall. Isn't that one of the reasons I'm trying to breastfeed him??? How much fresher can you get?

I'd also like to address something somewhat related. Often enough, I see or hear the comment that I'm strong, and the person giving the compliment would never be able to do what I'm doing. While I sincerely appreciate the encouragement, as Heaven knows I need it, to the latter half, I'd like to humbly and sweetly say Bull Crap. I never thought I could do this either. But when you find yourself in a situation such as this, your choices become a) find a way to cope with it, or b) kill yourself. That's not an exaggeration. You can't change what happened. You can only choose what to do about it. And that is entirely up to you. But you do not know how strong you are until you are presented with something that will test you. And tested I am. Whether I pass in the end is still to be determined, as it is for all of us. I wouldn't wish what happened to us on my worst enemy, whoever that is. But I do think that if it happens to you, you are capable of overcoming it.

Off my soap box for tonight.

1. I'm grateful for all of my children and for the opportunity to be their mother.
2. I'm grateful my mother-in-law is here to help our family.
3. I'm grateful we are closer to reuniting our family.
4. I'm grateful I've been able to watch all the milestones my children have made.
5. I'm grateful for eternal families.